A successful marriage must have love, sex, companionship, communication and faithfulness. The flavour includes temperament, cleanliness of the body and language.

The preservative is Jesus through constant prayer and bible study by the couple together.

Marriage is not just a test in the science of the kitchen with the husband as the external examiner but partnership and how the couple must plan together their house including child spacing, sharing of household cores where possible, amicably agreeing to appropriate division of labour.

 

It also involves openness to the other; such as in matters of use of money, temptation, personal failures dreams, ideas and successes.

After two years a young wife must know what makes a tick in one's partner; a touch, holding of hands, a smile, a look, careless word, about food which must be served hot or cold. This also applies to the man.

 

A husband who returns at midnight receive him cold but one who returns after being away for along time receives him hot.

But above all, sex is a very important element in marriage i.e. one's husband or wife is not primarily a brother or sister in Christ but a sex partner and where sex fails the concerned marriages fails.

Yet for marriage to last love must be sustained. Love has so many ingredients too. Look at such a letter below. Don't you think it can play a role in sustaining marriage.

 

There must be mutual trust rather than inquisitiveness, mutual esteem and self respect.

Young couples must be adaptive, innovative while the older couples continue. I love you of courtship and never stop saying it.

 

The Place of Sex and its use in Marriage

In African tradition, sex is not for biological/procreation alone but has religious and social uses therefore the following are uses of sex.-

Procreation: In African tradition marriage is considered marriage after conception and producing of children. Therefore without children it is incomplete and that is why after birth of first build rituals are performed e.g. among the Iteso a woman goes back to her parents' home naked, a goat is slaughtered and offal's put around her neck and goes back to show she is no longer a child but a woman.

 

Pleasure: In African tradition sex is one of the leisure activities in a normal marriage. It is used for appreciation, welcome and for refreshing after a day's work, The Baganda call it 'ekyekiro' i.e. after supper activity.

Religious: Among some African societies rituals are opened and concluded with actual / symbolic sexual intercourse between husband and wife or officiating person. E.g. Among the Bagisu when a boy has healed from circumcision he must have sex for the first time "Khukhala kumulindi" to remove the scars and such a female in whom it is done will be 'itchy' always in need of sex.

Socially the sexual fluid is dangerous to children and the wife keeps away from sex during nursing period or must thoroughly clean herself after intercourse. They believe that the child may such the sexual fluid through the milk. (This is also similar to Nyakyusa),

Sacredness of sex part is a must: They are property covered since they are the gateways of life and not covering them is nakedness. It is an offence for children to look or joke at genitals and worst of all mentioning them their names so jargons and used e.g. the Banyoro call female private parts 'Akapomponi' nyino (your in front), Nalyanga (pumpkin) among the Banyole or 'Namunyanya' (tomato) and male organ is 'a kasolo' (small animal) among the Baganda, Senye in Kenya and the activity is 'okukuba akabozi akekikulu' (adult conversation/ communication) among the Baganda.

Sacredness is also expressed between man and his in laws so is the wife where close contact is avoided or obscene talks.

Most Africans made sure children of the opposite sex sleep differently to avoid incest as it is believed it would be bad omen, lightening or disease that is incurable (ehitalo among the Banyole).

 

Among societies like the Bahima and Banyarwanda the father first tastes the daughter in law sexually to see where his dowry went; in the same way the mother tastes the son - in law to prove his strength.

Among the Banyankole sex was used for hospitality where the host gives away his wife/ daughter/ sister to the visitor to entertain him.

In some societies like the Basoga brothers have a right to brothers wife "Mukamugandawo twala butwala aazila nsonga" (same is among Banyankole).

Among the Masai those initiated together can share wives.

Sometimes if husband is absent/forced by circumstances e.g. imprisonment, working for from wife, someone can organise to keep the woman sexually to solve her sexual urge.

The Sabiny made sure wives took up clidectomy to control their sexual urge.

Widows /widowers were to be inherited.

The male attitude towards women was negative e.g. any misfortune a woman is responsible or when a man is going on a journey and meet a woman it could be bad       omen (but all societies e.g. among the Banyole luck depended on the sex of the first child).

Virginity was upheld in most societies e.g. in Ankole if one was not found a virgin, a 'hollow coin' with a hole in the middle would be given to her parents to show the girl was hollow and would be referred to as ekiswankara meaning a honey comb without honey.

In some societies however if the husband seemed too young after marriage, the elder brother or father would help him satisfy the wife just as if one was impotent someone came in to satisfy the wife to make the wife stabilise in the home.

Among the Akamba and Embu of Kenya the father is supposed to break the virginity of the daughter before the day of marriage.

Sexual Offences

It is important to note that not anybody could have sex with anyone it had to be within acceptable limits, therefore sex was not allowed in the following ways and it was an offence of caught:

There were taboos and rituals when not even married people can have sex because it would bring misfortune e.g. when children have measles, brewing beer, burning charcoal! bricks.

Adultery was severally punished e.g. whipping, stoning spearing to death e.g. in Karamoja if a girl is discovered pregnant.

Fornication was not allowed in Ankole if one conceived before marriage she would be thrown down the cliff; while in Congo she would be tied on a tree in the middle of the forest for wild animals to eat her.

Incest was severely punished and some rituals had to be done to cleanse them e.g. among the Japadhola the girls would be made to lie on her back with legs open wide and the boy made to climb on top of the house and made to urinate in her private parts to create hatred.

Rape was punished in most cases with death.

Homosexuality was almost unheard of but in case it happened such would be an outcast.

Having sex with an animal (bestiality) was severally punished and the animal burnt to death.

Watching genitals of parents constituted an offence on the other hand in Karamoja if one looked at a woman's genitals and his penis erected he must ran very fast if not his penis would be beaten with a stick.

In most cases such offences needed cleansing (ritual) whether or not the offenders' one punished for fear of misfortune.

Marriage therefore is a religious responsibility for every one, focal point of 3 worlds; living, departed and those yet to be born. If one takes it up, produces children than the solemn duty has been accomplished.

The physical aspect of choice making, preparation, wedding. gifts are outside expressions of a religious happening (sacred understanding). 

Similarly aspects like virginity, procreation, polygamy, bareness, inheriting wives, divorce, use of sex, sexual offences are all religious experiences for any normal person to participate in.